Thursday, October 13, 2016

Guilt.

I watched another great episode of the new show "Speechless" on ABC last night.  Regardless if your child has special needs, I highly recommend the show because it is really funny.  Last nights episode really resonated with me because it was about the guilt a family might feel while participating in an event when their special needs child is not there or unable to do so.  (Even if your child does not have special needs I think feeling guilt as a parent is quite common).

I remember during one of Sonzee's hospitalizations last spring that it was during the Jewish holiday of Purim.  For those of you who have never heard of this holiday, I will quickly define it as a Jewish Hallowen.  Children dress up in costumes, there is a party, a carnival, face painting, etc.  I debated not going to our synagogues party because I would have to leave Sonzee (guilt), but then I was faced with the reality that as usual, Sonzee's unplanned hospital stay was taking away from the other kids having me (guilt).  The kids wanted me to be there and I wanted to see both of the girls dressed as rainbow dash and our son as spiderman.  So I went.

As I sat in the parking lot of the synagogue I started to cry.  Sonzee wasn't there, we were a broken family as my heart was in 2 different places and it sucked.  This was not the first holiday that our family unit was separated, and I doubt it will be the last, but not matter how many times it will happen, the pain will still be the same.  In the end, we all had a great time (guilt) and I am so glad I was there for the kids, for Sam, for myself.  When I got back to the hospital Sonzee was enjoying her time sleeping away and didn't even notice my absence (a smidgen of guilt faded away).  That did make me feel better, however as a special needs parent there will always be a constant battle between the forces of guilt.


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