Monday, February 15, 2016

Sonzee Bear turns ONE

Beginning around the time Sonzee turned 10 months it really set in that she most likely would not be sitting by her first birthday.  From the day of her first seizure and when we later learned she would most likely have developmental delays, I still held onto the hope and vision of her sitting in her high chair with a cupcake in front her.  I pictured her like all of my other children hesitantly reaching out to touch the frosting and then taking a taste making a huge mess on her face.  I have loved the pictures of the messy smash cakes that I have of her siblings, I wanted to add to that collection.  As the day quickly approached, I knew it was not necessary to purchase a mat to place under the high chair.  I knew she would not be participating in this "coming of age" event, at least not for this birthday.  

Her birthday celebration was a perfect day in the sense that our closest friends and family surrounded us.  Sonzee participated in her favorite event of sleeping, and I suppose she had a right to celebrate her birthday in that fashion.  She had the most spasm episodes in the past week of course all throughout the day and that of course was disappointing to say the least.  I wish she did not have to suffer all the time.  I was distracted by everyone in attendance so I did not have a chance to get emotional about everything that was not going the way I had envisioned.  To be honest, the only time I almost cried in front of everyone was when I brought out the cupcakes and everyone began to eat them, but we had not even sang "Happy Birthday".  At the same moment, I looked over at the bear and she was peacefully asleep.  I was hit with a mixed bag of emotions all at once.

The little bear decided to grace us with her presence shortly after.  We ended up being able to take a picture of Sam and me holding her as I held her special cupcake.  There are no cutesy pictures of her diving into the cake with carelessness.  There are no pictures of her all smiley or crawling around in a mixture of cake batter and pink/white frosting.  On the positive side, that is not something that NEEDS to happen with every first birthday, it is just something that I like to have happen.  I can focus on the fact that she enjoyed her special day the way she loves to spend her days.  I have pictures of her cuddling with various people.  I have pictures of her looking beautiful in her birthday outfit.  If I am honest with you, even focusing on the positive still has me left with an empty feeling in my stomach and some tears in my eyes.  However, I still have hope that on her second birthday, she will be sitting on the ground and able to smash into a cake for me to take a million pictures, and I have a whole 365 days to picture this momentous occasion.

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