Wednesday, February 17, 2016

F-I-N-E

When I need a boost of inspiration to help me express exactly what is stirring around within me, I like to look at the Google images of quotes written across a pretty background.  Today I was sitting down to get my thoughts out of my head and decided to type "nervous" into the search bar.  I do not feel that accurately summarizes everything I am feeling, but it is the closest word I am able to conjure up.  As I read each image, I found the words that pinpoint my feelings right now precisely.  

"Yes, I am Fine.
Freaked Out.
Insecure.
Nervous.
Emotional."

Sonzee is having her Gtube placed in a week and a half and I am feeling ALL of the above.  I play devil’s advocate multiple times a day, telling myself why we should hold off on the surgery.  Then she spends her day sleeping or not finishing her bottles and I tell myself, "This is the reason" we need to do it.  One minute I am shopping on ETSY for the cutesy gtube pads and accessories and the next I think how I just wasted my money because she is not going to need them.  I am freaked out because who would not be sending their child off for a hour and a half surgery.  I am insecure because there is no way to know for sure if this is the best decision until we give it a chance.  I am nervous because surgery is risky, complications are possible, and this disorder is not clear-cut.  I am emotional because I am female and that just comes along with the territory.

As usual, I have tried to defer to my trusty old gut.  You know the one that I am working on believing more often.  "What does your gut say?”  I ask myself repeatedly.  Well that answer is loaded.  There seems to come a time when it becomes tough to clearly identify when it is your actual gut communicating with you.  There are so many factors that play a role in this decision, there are so many considerations; like everything else, there are so many unknowns.  Neither solution comes without strings.  I am torn between what I feel is the best decision, the right decision, the most appropriate decision for the bear, and my insecurities, nervousness, and overall emotions.  

These feelings make things down right confusing.  The nervousness infiltrates my thoughts by placing drops of doubt into the recesses of my mind.  Every emotion possible rears its ugly head in various questions, "Why on earth would I want my baby's perfect tummy cut into?", “Is having this procedure which requires anesthesia really necessary?", "Is this Mic-Key button even going to work?"  The answers can be given with confidence, but aren't 100%,  "This tube will help give her the nutrients she needs to grow", "YES it is necessary, provided there is not another issue as to why she is unable to gain weight", and "YES it will work, unless like I previously stated, there is something else going on".  I try not to ride the downward spiral game, the one that fills my mind with contradiction and has me internally defend the decision I made 5 seconds prior.  Like a dog chasing its tail, I come full circle and say, "It is obvious she needs this Randi, she has only gained 10 ounces in SIX months". 


The fact is that I am FINE.  I am freaked out, I am insecure, I am nervous, and I am emotional.  It is all normal, and it is just another part of being a mom.

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