Sunday, September 20, 2015

Protection

"She doesn't know any different".  I've been told these words more than once when it comes to Sonya.  I myself have often wondered if she ever will.  Will she be present enough to know she is not like her siblings, her cousins, other children in her activities? Will she feel like she doesn't exactly fit in? 

What will happen that one time in the not so distant future where an innocent child will point at her and say something about her to his/her parent?! To me?!  I couldn't prepare for that if I tried...I know better than that.  My heart already breaks in anticipation.  

I'm not exactly sure what hurts me more. The thought of what will be said, or the fact that Sonya might not understand something was even said about her.  In the same light, I'd feel a sense of relief if she isn't aware.  I'd much rather her not experience the pain of feeling different on top of everything else she is dealing with.

This is where I find some purpose.  I can't take away her seizures.  I can't make her body stronger than she is capable.  I can't make her smile or look at me.  But I can be her bubble wrap.  I can do my best to shield her from unpleasant words and nasty stares. 

I won't lie to myself and say it won't knock me down, that I won't run to the bathroom or my car in tears.  I'll do my best to make Sonzee proud with my words.  It will be my job to let others know that different isn't bad, that having a challenge whether internally or externally does not make someone worse off.  Because even though Sonya may not know she is different, I do, and it's my honor to give her a lifetime of momma bear protection.