Square one

This afternoon marks the end of Sonzee's first week of school.  I am so happy and excited for her, she appears to love it, but still, I have had this achy feeling in my chest each day she has gone.  It is the same but different than when each of her older siblings began preschool.  I know she is in the best place for her and I know everyone there cares about her and absolutely loves working with children who have special needs.  It is comforting beyond measure that her two amazing nurses get to spend their shifts there with her as well, but it has been really hard to relinquish control of her for 11 hours and 15 minutes this week.

Beyond the typical concerns of leaving a three year old at school I wonder if they will forget to turn her feed on if they turn it off to change her diaper, if they will miss her having a seizure, or if she will present with a new seizure type that they aren't aware is actually a seizure.  I wonder if they will know what her whimpers are indicating, will they recognize if she is pain vs just wanting to be left alone, or if she is hot or cold?  I wonder what they will do when she has her very first seizure at school, thankfully so far she has been amazing with having them before and after school.

I know her going to preschool is a way for her to develop her independence, but the truth is, she has limitations that prevent her from expressing what she wants or needs and I do not know how to trust that someone else will know her as well as Sam or I do.  I know eventually she will get her teachers and others to understand her and they will learn her language, and eventually for me each day will get easier for me to loosen my grip just as I did with her older siblings.  But for now I am just excited today is a shorter day and she is home the next three days before we start back a little past square one on Monday.

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