Sonzee "turns" 10

Dear Sonzee, Somewhere, somehow you are now double digits. I wonder if you would have figured out sitting independently or have taken your first independent steps by now. I wonder if you’d be tiny like your sisters or maybe you were given the genes your brother is excitedly anticipating getting? Would you have spent the last 5 years struggling with your feeds or would you have “grown out” of that? Maybe your seizures would have calmed down too and we could have learned more about who the real you actually was; not just the Sonzee on way too many medications. I wonder what you have been up to for the last 5 years. How have you celebrated your birthday in Gan Edan? Do you have new friends? Are you still friends with the kids we knew who joined you or were there for you first? Are you actually free? Do you know that you are? I wonder if you know how difficult it is for me to honor this day, because it’s not normal for a parent to celebrate the birthday of their dead kid. It’s not normal that you aren’t here to celebrate your own birth! Its not normal to decorate a grave. It’s not normal that your last physical birthday was when you turned 4. It’s not normal this day is even still on the calendar. In many ways this day is worse than all of the other days that surround you because today should be about YOU. It should be about all of the growth you’ve made during your LIFE. It should be about the last year of all of things YOU have done. But instead, it’s just another year of your grave collecting rocks (that I may not be able to even paint anymore before cemetery owners are stupid- but that’s for another day), another year of wondering about you, another year “reminding” me that I have no control in this life and that’s just the way it goes. So, wherever you are baby girl - do whatever makes you happy, and if you could ever come and see me, I’d really really love it! Happy 10th birthday Sonzee…you are beyond loved and missed….