Summer 2023

Dear Sonzee,

We finished our drive to Uncle's on Friday and spent shabbas in New Jersey. Yesterday we officially arrived home for summer. The one you never got to see, but the one that would have worked so much better for our family when you were here. (Minus the staircase up, but nothing is perfect). Today starts day 1 of summer. 

Summer is one of those sneak up on me quietly in a dark alley at midnight sort of experiences. (Or what I imagine that would feel like because I'd rather never be in that situation) The drive was filled with hours alone with my thoughts paired with songs that would take me back to either your life or death. Driving on the backroads of Oklahoma listening to Taylor Swift sing "Wildest dreams" took me back to your infancy and the blog post I wrote in September of 2015 as a guest blogger. I still have those dreams of what life could've been had it not been filled with what it was for you.

More songs continued to stream while your brother and sister were otherwise occupied by naps or playing with electronics. "From where you are" came on during day 2 of our drive and reminded me of its music video with cars driving down a long road. My mind drifted and this sadness cloud began to hover over me. Just a bit before I was so excited for summer, and to be back at VV, and then all of a sudden the cloud opened on me. 

Summers were for you and I. It was our time together, no nurse, your older siblings were in camp and Noam was just a baby. You were our shopping bag holder when Malka and I went to Woodbury Commons. You drove your car along Townhouse Road. You were a staple on our walks. VV isn't the same since you have been gone. The main blessing was relocating to the lake. The first summer without you in TH 49 was difficult. The lake is a place you haven't ever been. I don't see you on the floor or around the space. There are no blankets you ever laid on, I can't place you in any of the rooms. You exist only in my thoughts, which is both a blessing and a curse. This summer I will be working during the days virtually, which will help fill the void of your absence, but it makes what was once my break from reality, a stark reminder of what my current reality is. 

I am looking forward to this summer with excitement and a heavyweight within my chest of all the adventures you and I will miss out on together. I know you are still very much remembered by everyone here and your spirit definitely fills the air, but it doesn't change the fact that we are embarking on yet another summer without having to worry about your tubes being pulled out, allergies that show up on PCR tests, and needing to ensure we have your medical one form for when we inevitably had to the hospital runs. 

I know you will come to visit us with cool summer breezes, and I will be waiting on the porch with a cup of coffee in hand to enjoy them. Be safe and have a fun summer, my love. 

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema