But just because

As we finished our three day holiday weekend, my older kiddos and I sat on the couch deciding what book I would read to them.  I have an Alice in Wonderland series from my childhood and originally I grabbed that.  Naturally, that opened the way to my son announcing it was "girlie", and my oldest daughter wanting me to read a "Babysitter's Club" book instead, and me saying "It's not girlie, and no we aren't reading the Babysitter's club".  As I opened the book to begin reading my son ran excitedly over to me, handed me "The Phantom Tollbooth", and I said, "Oh, yes, this will be great".

I have to admit I have always known about this book, but honestly have never read it, so part of my desire to oblige my son completely came from the fact that I wanted to read this.  So the four of us sat down together and I began to read.  As I turned each page and read the words I kept thinking how amazingly quotable this book is.  It seemed as if every other line was one I wanted to burn into my mind to reference at a future point. Some of the phrases were cute, some made me chuckle, and others I felt spoke to me in a different way.  We only got 4 chapters in when it was time for the kids to get ready for bed, but I knew there was a quote I had not come across that somehow would be the perfect quote for me to relate to Sonzee.

I posted a picture on Sonya's Facebook page and mentioned how I had hoped Sonzee wouldn't have another seizure but of course within 10 minutes of posting that my hopes were dismantled.  During the 10th day of CDKL5 Awareness month, during neither her first nor most likely last 13+ minute seizure of the day, my mind wandered.   Should I post one of her seizures? Does posting one actually brings more awareness or just bring about pity?  If I posted it would people even want to watch it? I am pretty sure those of us who have to, would much rather not.  If people watch the video would someone comment about our lack of giving her a rescue med 2 minutes in?  I responded in my mind to that comment with the blatant fact that rescue meds do not stop her seizures any quicker than her body chooses to finish them and inevitably within 4-5 hours another one would occur again.  

Returning back from "seizure land", I was wondering if it was time to email her epileptologist and ask for the new medication titration schedule.  Feeling all sorts of weight from watching her endure all that she just had and not even feeling a glimmer of hope that we would ever stop her from this sort of suffering I came across the most clarifying quote.  Maybe CDKL5 won't ever be a string of characters that is known to everyone or will make the daily news in every city, in every state, in ever country, or on every continent.  Maybe there won't ever be a child with a CDKL5 mutation who makes it onto Ellen or is born to a world figure, actor, or famous athlete.  Maybe seizure control or the ability to be more typical won't ever be in Sonzee's cards, and Maybe finding a cure for CDKL5 won't, sadly, fall during her lifetime...