Monday, October 22, 2018

Miles

I went to a baby shower yesterday that was 41 miles away from our house.  Driving there was for the most part relaxing, I enjoyed the silence, the alone time, and was only mildly stressed about being late.  I kept checking maps to see the estimated time of arrival to see if it was going to change, but for the most part I was pretty content with the predicted time I was going to get there.  The event was a lot of fun and even delayed leaving a bit at the end due to the anticipation of knowing how long the drive was going to be going home.  As I got into the car for the drive home, I opened a ring pop because why not?  About halfway into the drive, around the same time that I wondered if I was ever going to finish the ring pop, I began to get antsy about the length of the drive that I knew remained.  I kept thinking how I just wanted to be home at that exact moment, but I knew that was not at all possible.  At the same time, I began replaying a conversation I had a bit earlier regarding Sonzee and I realized how much of our journey with her was similar to the feeling I was having about the drive.

It is funny how the drive to whatever situation we find ourselves in with her is always quicker than expected.  It is almost as if there is this unassisted rush to get where she is meant to be, yet there is no real eagerness to get there and we just follow the path casually.  After we "arrive”, and things settle a bit and we get a chance to maybe anticipate where we could end up, it is then that I feel this imperativeness to get to the next phase as soon as possible.  Yet it is always at this point that it feels like it takes forever for the wheels to get into motion and for us to gain any ground.  It is as if time stands still and there is all this time to reflect on where she has been, where we are, and where we may or may not actually go.


As it stands today I know where the nearest path is taking her, and it was one of those slow yet fast trips that is bringing her to the starting point.  Part of the outcome has been a long time coming, resulting from multiple consultations and literally years of pushing it off.  Inevitably we knew we would find ourselves embarking on these next steps, yet I am so nervous and scared about how it will turn out.  Naturally in true Sonzee fashion she threw in a few extra speed bumps and we are also faced with completely new territory that is also just as nerve racking, but I think mainly because of its unfamiliarity to us.  We continue to travel along this slow/fast paced road, taking things as they come and go, yet ultimately wishing things would "hurry up and finish" so that we can all take a break and maybe settle into a comfortable status quo, but ultimately move onto the next, hopefully, more happier portion of her journey.

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