I am trying to filter out the clutter and confusion in my mind by conducting research and weighing pros and cons. I feel like no matter the decision, it will only buy us a little more time before the next situation presents itself. Nothing seems clear. I hate to say that making these decisions does not seem fair, because it isn't about what is fair, it is about what is best for Sonzee. I find the most challenging part of my job as her mother is removing the distractions of what I want and honing in on what she would want. That in and of itself is suffocating. What if I am completely off the mark? What if I misread my gut? Simply put, what if I am wrong?
You would think that essentially repeating this process over and over again would make us professionals at it. This is where the complexity of medically complex parenting comes into play in a different manner. So many aspects to consider, so many ways to falter, so many ways this could knock down every domino we have tried to stack in her favor. I guess this is when I have to really dig deep and give way to faith, faith in what is meant to be. So as I sit here holding my breath deep under the water, I will do my best to swim to surface to take another breath and keep treading water.
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