I do not know the specific amount of times I have uttered the words "I quit" over the past 4 weeks. I have actually perfected my knack for finding the perfect gif to accompany my "quitting" depending on what exactly Sonzee seizure related issue has driven me to fall to the depths. I keep being told I am not allowed to quit, but honestly, I am losing my ability to keep running this marathon. Consider me the person on the side in a tent drinking a very large bottle of water, procrastinating continuing the race, needing a very long pep-talk, and also a huge push to get back on the path (there inevitably was a bribe of a large glass of wine, mounds of comfort food, and someone pulling my hand).
There is no problem being persuaded to not quit, truth be told I say it because I have no other words to say, but no matter what I cannot quit. Even though I won't ever end with the best time, and realistically there won't ever be a happy finish, giving up isn't really a viable option. It wouldn't even make me feel good in the long run. In my mind it is useless to keep up fighting the useless seizure control battle, but it is also impossible to not keep attempting to break them down.
I know this is a losing battle. I know we are up against a beast that is just not capable of being tamed. I know the havoc these episodes cause to her little brain are irreversible and detrimental. I know how all of these medications we give to her are just poisoning her body and even if they are helping to an extent, they aren't a solid match. The constant battle of having a CDKL5 mutation will always be one filled with the painstaking process of trial and error, but quitting isn't going to change that.
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