On Sunday we take our older children (with Sonzee in tow) to their
weekly swim classes. During their session in the baby pool to the right
of the "big kid pool" is the class for babies 2 months to 6 months
old. Little babies that are getting acquainted with the water while
bonding with their mom or dad, or both. Sonzee participated in this class
when she was that age. I have distinct memories of her sleeping the
entire half an hour due to having a seizure before entering the pool. The
other parents would all smile and comment about how cute it was that she was
able to sleep the entire time, they never knew why. I enjoyed that class
because it was a time when Sonzee was "the same". It was a time
that I could pretend that she was not developmentally behind.
It was a time that her seizures, CDKL5, and our lives were essentially a secret
to outsiders.
Today as I was helping
Sonzee's twin girl get dressed, I was standing right next to the baby
pool. I could not help but stare at each baby and his/her individual
experience. There were 5 boys and 1 girl in the class. Mostly dads
were present and they all appeared to be on the younger side of the age
range. The mom or dad was taking a cup with holes at the bottom and
letting the water fall over each baby's head. I took note of all the
reactions present; surprise, eyes closed with a squirm, and some pure
delight. I could not help but smile. It has taken me 8 months to
feel ready to blog openly that Sonzee is going to become a big
sister in the next 6-8 weeks. I have had so many experiences along this
journey that I have wanted to put to paper, but it was not until today when
that first baby in the pool gave such a huge smile as his reaction to the water
over his head that I knew I could do it.
Chalk it up to fear of
opinions, fear of something going wrong, fear of comments, fear in
general, or maybe it is just the uncertainty of how our family dynamic is about
to change adding another child into the mix. Whatever the reason, I could
not bring myself to "admit" that our world, Sonzee's world is going
to change and deep down I know it will be for the best but on the surface,
there is an immense amount of fear of the unknown. What I have missed
most about having an atypical child is the simplicity that a typical baby
brings. Yes, there are sleepless nights, there is the typical parent
worry, there is the typical unknown, there are the typical challenges a new
baby brings to a family, yet after having a Sonzee there is an appreciation for
the simplicity that I am praying to occur with this baby. Fear is deeply
etched into this hope of everything working out the way I am
so anticipating. Sometimes the fear is so suffocating it is paralyzing,
not that this baby will have CDKL5 (yes, we checked the best we could for those
of you whom I know are curious) but of every other rare situation
that could possibly occur. Once you enter the world of rare you realize
how not so rare it is. However, in the recesses of my mind and heart is
just pure faith that this baby is exactly what our family needs to pull us all
together and keep us grounded in a manner of simplicity I am ready to
appreciate in a completely new manner, all thanks to Sonzee.
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