10 days

Today marks 10 days until the 2 year anniversary of CDKL5 Diagnosis Day.  I am blown away at the mere fact that it has been TWO entire years since we first learned about CDKL5.  I do not know if it is more surprising to myself that we will have survived two full years of this unexpected journey or that it is still just as hard to make it through each day.  If I had been asked on that day where I would see myself or Sonzee at this point, I know I would not have been correct with my reply.  While I was filled with fears of the future, I could not have fathomed any of the experiences we have endured over the past two years.  It is practically impossible to even guess how this journey will play out unless you are actually living it.

Two years.  Approximately 730 days since I sat in a small office at the PCH Northwest valley specialty and outpatient center, and was handed a piece of paper that "explained" why Sonzee was having seizures, but not telling us how to stop them.  We were given a reason for her (soon to be) delays, her cortical vision impairment, her (soon to be) gastrointestinal issues, but again no way to prevent them, stop them, or help them from occurring.  We were given a string of characters that essentially sums up the cause of her challenges, but does nothing else to help us help her.  In 10 days, it will be two years, and we are no better off than we were on the day before we were told her results were in.  Yet here we are "celebrating" two years since her "diagnosis day".

I have always felt relieved that there was never someone or something to hold responsible for Sonzee's CDKL5 mutation, it helps to remove a lot of the anger.  However, I think one of the best things that come from this anniversary is that I can spend the days leading up to it, and the day of, releasing what bits of anger, hatred, and utter dismay for CDKL5 I have, so I can move on and then go back to dealing with this life.  I remember in the 24 hours from the time we knew results came back positive for a cause to Sonzee's seizures I felt it did not matter what we were told because "at least we would know", "at least we would have an answer".  Now as I sit here looking back over the last two years and to the future that lies ahead, I must ask myself, were we/are we really any better off having an answer?

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