Brave

I am not quite sure what my thoughts are tonight.  It is definitely unclear where one ends and one begins.  This whole last week has been quite a blur.  I have been saying for some time that I knew Sonzee's toddler years were going to involve many hospitalizations.  I had an idea that she could very possibly come close to leaving us, but knowing deep down she would fight as hard as her little body could in order to stay.  I had no idea what the reality of these situations would entail.  Oh little Sonzee bear…it is so painful to watch her endure everything she has to.  I am not even sure how much a little body can tolerate, but I can tell you, this little girl is one strong little fighter.

I never fully understood what was meant when people called a sick child "brave".  I never had a sick child, so how could I?  This past year of Sonzee's life and especially the last week specifically has shed light on that phrase.  Since last Tuesday, she has had six IVs.  I have honestly lost track of the amount of sticks her little limbs and head have endured in order for those six IVs to be successful, not to mention how many additional blood draws she has had to have because her veins just shut down.  She has finally received "IV TEAM ONLY" status, which signals to every nurse not to touch her.  Her little veins clot so easily that each time she has an IV placed and they take the initial blood return for testing, the vein no longer gives any blood.  This results in more pokes and more bruises.  There is no location on her body untouched.  Even if the IV "works”, they start to agitate her around 24-36 hours after placement and then I have to ask for a new IV to be placed so she is no longer crying in pain.  It is truly heartbreaking to witness and not be able to do anything.

Thankfully, they started to take her to the treatment room for all of the madness; it will hopefully keep her less stressed when she is just hanging out in her crib.  I have that filled with toys and a drawing her "twin girl" biggest sister made for her, as well as blankets she is familiar with.  I am trying to make her days similar to how they are at home and as comfortable as possible.  It has been challenging trying to figure out the culprit to her infection and exactly what is bothering her.  Playing detective is definitely not easy, but the little bear is being a great sport.  I wish she did not have to suffer and go through all of this.  I definitely do not feel as brave or as strong as she is presenting, but she is keeping me in check, for her.  I am pretty sure after all of this is over and the dust settles I will have reached my breaking point, but for now, I will try to do her justice by being as strong and brave as she continues to be.  She is definitely one of the bravest little bears I know.

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