107 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week, 107 to be exact.  They just keep flying by.  Amazing how they say time flies when you are having fun because really, time also flies when you don't want it to.  This week was a tough week for your siblings.  Laeya and Noam both had some challenges in the grief department.  It breaks my already broken heart more when they miss you and hurt because of your absence.  It is unfair.  Laeya keeps her feelings locked up for the majority of the time, it makes me relieved when she lets it out because I know firsthand how horrible it is when the emotions are pushed down.  Noam is still figuring out life, and I find his journey still to be the most fascinating to watch unfold.  He can articulate his feelings now in a way he couldn't when you died.  It is definitely a double-edged sword.

Laeya told me you have been visiting her a lot, but you asked her not to tell me.  Sorry, it just happened to come out.  She said you didn't want me to be upset.  I asked her why you won't visit me, and she said because you know I am not ready.  I can't argue with your logic, but I worry I won't ever be and 2 years already feels like an eternity.  Will I even recognize you when you feel I am ready? What if I don't know it is you? How can I make myself ready?  I have to trust that you will come to me when you feel it is in both of our best interests, but it is really hard to have that blind faith.  I shouldn't find it surprising you are still having me trust in something I have no control over, but I am rolling my eyes at you for that being the case.

This week we got back into the groove of construction on the new house.  We had taken all of the crew to finish 19th street and it finally happened!  Wahoo!  I finalized the pebble-tec color and new pool tiles and am really excited for that to come together.  The wall separating the kitchen and the other area was completely removed and it looks amazing.  All of the appliances have been ordered, but won't be in stock until the end of April.  That gives us a lot of time to get all the new plumbing taken care of with the extra sinks in the kitchen, and all of the changes we are making to the laundry room, pool bathroom, and master bathroom.  The door from the garage into the house was sealed up and now the only entrance is through the mudroom.  It is really exciting to see it all start to come together! We picked the house colors and anyone who knows you will know all the inspiration was from you.

Your brother has had a tournament all weekend.  It hasn't gone as great as we would have hoped, but he is still having fun.  We signed him up for a week program this summer, so he and aba will go to Bear Pines for a week and I think I am going to tackle driving to NY with the girls and Noam myself.  It will be stretched out so we won't have to drive much each day and I think it will be a lot of fun. Although I hope your little brother learns to like another movie besides The Bee movie because I don't know if I can handle that for 36 driving hours.

Anyway baby girl.  I love and miss you!!!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema