Dear Sonzee,
Today marks 11 months that have gone by during year 2 of your absence. One more month and we will complete 2 full years and start into year 3. I have to admit the sparkle/shiny rock theme was a much better idea in my mind, I am sorry for how ugly most of your monthly rocks turned out. I was going to give it up, but for year 3 your sisters and I came up with a better idea.
This month I delivered you a bunch of well overdue rocks, and even a new one to mark the new house. I am sure I am still missing some, but I am doing my best to play catch up. I walked around the cemetery for the first time in a while during this month and noticed how many people have been inspired by our painted rocks to you. My initial reaction following the first months of your death was anger, but for some reason, now, almost 2 years later, it makes me smile knowing everyone got that idea from visiting your home. It really is all due to Mrs. Penny, so be sure to tell Harper her mother is amazing!
This month I continued on the yo-yo of emotions that your death has brought. I have been becoming more open to accepting the concept that your stuff didn't define you, it is just your stuff, and letting it go doesn't have any relation to you specifically. As I see your limited number of boxes in the new house representing what we have left of you, the struggle is so real. I know you are with me in my heart and mind. At least I continue to say that over and over again.
This month I still felt like I was constantly on edge, the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, the tears a blink away, the anxiety. I think it is just the anticipation of the next 5 weeks. I know sometimes they say the build-up can be worse, but this isn't round one for me. I know by your English birthday in a month and 8 days, I will be completely emotionally spent. On one hand, I suppose I should thank you for lumping all these dates close together, on the other hand, I wonder if this is some "see how long you can hold your breath and survive" challenge.
This month we secured our summer home. For the first time since we began our summers in VV, we will be renting down by the lake and we will be staying the entire summer. I am guessing you played a role in this change. I consider it more of your hand in having us move forward. While it will be different, last summer was brutal, and it is like our house here in Phoenix, it is time to let TH #49 go.
As I close out my last monthly letter to you of year 2, I want you to know (in case you might ever doubt it) I love you the same since you have been gone. I miss you more than I did 1 year and 10 months ago and I can only assume as the distance grows, that will continue to be the case. I hope you are planning something spectacular for all of your upcoming Sonzee Stones.
Love you!
Until next time.
Love always,
Ema
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