79 weeks and 2 days

Dear Sonzee, 

I am so sorry I have fallen behind on my weekly posts and posting picture throwbacks of you.  I don't want to burden your peaceful soul, but ema is really struggling lately.  I was talking to Mimi's mom today and admitted that New York sent me "backward" on this crummy grief journey.  I say backward, but really it is more that I am cycling back into the whole denial concept of you actually being dead, which I think happened because I wasn't visiting your grave as much.  Now everything is significantly harder to deal with.  I have your soapstone butterfly to honor another 6 months of you not being here and I can't even bring myself to go to your grave.  It breaks my heart on so many accounts. I am so sorry. The same has occurred with posting those throwback pictures of you each day.  I used to look forward to doing them, but now all I see when I open google photos and type in the date is there are 2 years without pictures of you on that day and I can't bring myself to scroll down to the years you were actually here.  

This last week we were visiting Harper's family in Dallas.  It is always comforting to be around them, I am sure you remember how amazing they all are. We went back to Six Flags this year, it was another first time without you sort of deal.  I keep managing to survive these first times.  Overall it was as good of a day as can happen in ridiculously hot temperatures in an outdoor park with your siblings.  It felt like one of those movies where my mind flashed back to where we stopped, adjusted your fan, and made sure you stayed cool or sat out of the rides.  I was almost relieved that Noam was too short because he was the perfect excuse to not go any of the roller coasters, but that used to be your job.

After driving back the 15 hours straight on Monday I went to work on Tuesday.  It keeps ringing in my mind that I don't know what school you would have been in so I don't know what to put on your "first-grade" rock.  It also doesn't compute in my mind that you would be going into first grade?  It doesn't make sense, you never even started Kindergarten, you never graduated from preschool.  My mind can't handle all of this movement forward. I feel like I am being catapulted out of a cannon, complete with free-falling and crashing down.  I feel even worse telling this all to you.  I just truly pray that you are beyond happy and at peace.  It is really the only consolation there is for you not being here.

79 weeks and 2 days of missing your cuddles and physical presence and always counting.

Until next time baby girl!

Love always, 

Ema